FRUSTRATION

Guilt and stupidity and anger and frustration and so much stupid inner agnst. WTF? I mean arent you supposed to be "over" that shit by the time you hit36? Arent you supposed to finished feeling that there is something out there and that if you dont find it you are going to wither and die?

The truth of the matter is that you are going to wither and die no matter what. So whats the mutherfucking difference if you go out and drop your life to find it? It wont matter. Not in the end game. I am reminded of the REM song "I would give my life to find it. I would give my all...catch me if I fall".

I know that feeling. That feeling of utter bordom and restraint and insanity that holds you in a vice and just wont let you go. You find yourself going through the motions of life just to hope that the feeling will subside. And it does...then it doesnt and it gets worse and you are rubbed raw with the effort. The FUCKING effort that it takes to try to not think about the what could have should have would have beens if you had the balls to find it.

What ever that elusive "IT" is.

Im irritated today and I am pissy and I am taking it out on my husband and I shouldnt. But he is there and he keeps questioning if it is something he did or if he can fix it or help me with it and all that other shit that you usually love him for....

NOT TODAY

Today I am driven and I want it and I want to find it and I want to own it and be in it and anything that wants to give me the excuses of the reasoning of sanity....I want dead.

So then there it is there you have it....

Maybe a caffine buzz that is steadily crashing can be blamed for this....

But maybe its something deeper and more sinister.