FRUSTRATION

Guilt and stupidity and anger and frustration and so much stupid inner agnst. WTF? I mean arent you supposed to be "over" that shit by the time you hit36? Arent you supposed to finished feeling that there is something out there and that if you dont find it you are going to wither and die?

The truth of the matter is that you are going to wither and die no matter what. So whats the mutherfucking difference if you go out and drop your life to find it? It wont matter. Not in the end game. I am reminded of the REM song "I would give my life to find it. I would give my all...catch me if I fall".

I know that feeling. That feeling of utter bordom and restraint and insanity that holds you in a vice and just wont let you go. You find yourself going through the motions of life just to hope that the feeling will subside. And it does...then it doesnt and it gets worse and you are rubbed raw with the effort. The FUCKING effort that it takes to try to not think about the what could have should have would have beens if you had the balls to find it.

What ever that elusive "IT" is.

Im irritated today and I am pissy and I am taking it out on my husband and I shouldnt. But he is there and he keeps questioning if it is something he did or if he can fix it or help me with it and all that other shit that you usually love him for....

NOT TODAY

Today I am driven and I want it and I want to find it and I want to own it and be in it and anything that wants to give me the excuses of the reasoning of sanity....I want dead.

So then there it is there you have it....

Maybe a caffine buzz that is steadily crashing can be blamed for this....

But maybe its something deeper and more sinister.

Core Emotion?

Ever wonder what is at the core of your emotions?

Ever wonder what you are truly capable of?

Ever worry about how close you can come to losing patience?

Ever experience the desire to just want to let go of yourself and see what happens?

Ever start to let go and realize that you may not be able to get control again?

Ever fear that if you let yourself out of the box that people will think differently of you?

Ever close your eyes and feel the power of your own emotion corse through your body like hot lava?

Ever scare yourself with the knowledge that no one really knows what you are capible of ...sometimes not even you?

Ever just complain and bitch about something irrelivant just to let off steam so that people around you wont see that you are about to impode over something else entirely?

Ever just stare into nothing just to do a little inward check to make sure that you have control?

Ever wonder what is at the core of your emotions?

Me either.

Im afraid to go that far.

Relating to one another.

There is sooo much in life that we think of all the time.

So many swirls of this and that.

So many peices of different throughts that we sew together in our memories and create something that is a law that we indoctrinate to govern or very existance.

Problem is

No one else in the WORLD has the same thoughts or memories or ideas. Not in the order that we created them.

Thats why we have so much God Damn trouble trying to relate to each other.